April 4/2017 – Last night I took a boxing class and it was FANTASTIC!! Not only was it a great workout but I had so much fun. And talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. A few months ago I would have never even entertained the thought of signing up for such a thing, and attending it by myself! But I did, and I loved it! As I sit here and freak out about voting and worry that my time in the challenge could be coming to an end, I try to take some solace in what I have accomplished so far. Not just the weight loss, but also the personal growth I’ve made. I can only hope it’s enough for me to continue on this journey to the end of the challenge and to have an opportunity to push myself even farther.
April 3, 2017 – VOTING WEEK STRESSES ME OUT!!!. I went into voting week this time around telling myself I was not going to obsess over it. I was not going to check my status a million times a day. Well, I’m not doing so well on that. I hate that all my hard work, weight & inches loss, time at the gym, healthy eating, fundraising, etc could all be not enough because of online voting. I hate that I sit here in the middle of voting week and am convinced that my best will not be good enough simply because of voting. I’ve had such an amazing time with this challenge and simply, I am not ready for it to be over. I still have more weight to lose, more self-discoveries to make, and more walls to break down. I have a great fear that if I don’t make it to the final 5 I’ll give up and all this work will have been for nothing. I know at first my intentions will be good, but sooner or later, I can see the old me creeping in and taking over. I don’t want that! For the first time in perhaps forever I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and like who I am, I don’t want that to stop. I don’t think I’m ready to do this alone yet. So please, share my link for voting with everyone you know and please please please help me continue.
March 29, 2017,
What a difference a week can make. I approached the scale with great trepidation this evening, my heart pounding, my palms sweating, and I just couldn’t bring myself to look at the number. Then they asked me to get off, and on again…get off and on again…4 times they weighed me and by this point I’m about 2 seconds away from a heart attack and convinced it’s more bad news. But I have to look…and hallelujah it’s down! And not just down, but 9 pounds down!
So here’s the thing that really gets to me. For perhaps the first time in my life I was told, “you’re not eating enough”. So this week I ate all the calories I was supposed to and most days I found it difficult. Some days breakfast ran into snack, which ran into lunch, which ran into snack, which would run into dinner. But I really wanted to make the effort to eat my calories. And I am so glad I did!
When I started my makeover challenge I didn’t really realize how much I didn’t know. Not only about health, fitness, nutrition, food, but about myself and what I am capable of and how hard I can push myself. As we approach the end of this segment and get ready to vote for the top 5 I can only hope I have done enough and will continue to do enough to earn a spot there and to continue this journey to the end. I’m not done yet!
March 23, 2017
Yesterday I was devastated. I walked into the meeting tonight feeling wonderful. And all the was shattered by a number on the scale. I am up 4 pounds! 4 pounds, how does that happen in one week? How do I gain weight when I work out 6-7 days a week, I track everything I eat, and I’ve been making only healthy choices for months? I suffered through the meeting last night while waves of emotions hit me, and fresh tears fell throughout the night. I’ve always been told I’m too sensitive and too emotional, and I guess tonight was a prime example. I just couldn’t seem to get myself under control. I just keep thinking about how hard I’ve been working and how much I want to make it to the top 5 of this challenge, and how a number on a scale could take all that away from me. A friend of mine did this challenge last year and ever since I heard about it, my eye has been on the prize of making it to the final 5, and as of last night, I just don’t know if that’s going to happen. I hate that I let a number on a scale define me, but for years this has been the case. And at the end of the day, the Total Makeover Challenge is partially focussed on weight loss and a weight gain is not helping me reach my goal of final 5.
The only thing that kept me from walking out of that meeting last night and of giving up on the whole thing, and myself, was the amazing women in that room and the extreme outpouring of support I got from them. And then to come home and find more messages from them was overwhelming. I’ve never been one to have a lot of friends and even fewer that understand the struggles of weight that I have been struggling with for years, so to find myself in a room full of friends who understand what I’m going through is incredible.
So I was back at the gym this morning, tracking what I eat, and focusing on fixing what is not working and continue doing what is working.
March 8, 2017 – Well it happened. For the first time since the challenge has started, I did not lose any weight this week, in fact to make matters worse, I was up 0.2 of a pound. Now I know 0.2 of a pound is nothing, but at the time when I saw the number on the scale, my heart dropped. I automatically saw this as yet another failure and figured there was no way I would get to the top 5 now. You see, I’ve been here before. I’ve lost weight, then hit that wonderful plateau wall, and given up. Then I usually gain back what I’ve lost and then some. And I don’t want that this time. I want to finally succeed at this and to feel comfortable with who and I and in my own skin. So I went and talked to one of our nutritionist, shed a few tears of frustration, and then decided that I would not be beat this time. I’ll punch up my workouts, increase my weights and just keep my eye on the prize. And fingers crossed, next week my numbers will be down again.
March 18, 2017 – Today was picture day for the top 15 challengers. This was an amazing day for me. For the first time since my wedding day almost 11 years ago I had my hair and make-up done. When I saw the end result I was stunned. This weigh loss journey has been so full of ups and downs for me and Saturday afternoon was defiantly an “up” day. It’s hard for me to see the weight loss in myself, I mean, I look at myself every day and I still see all the flaws as before. It was not until I saw my reflection in the mirror after my hair and make-up had been done, that I could actually see a difference in my face. And for the first time, in more years than I can remember, I actually liked the person I saw looking back at me. This was a big moment for me, and I hope I can carry this feeling with me for at least a little while.
March 11, 2017 – Why is it that there is always that one person who has to be the voice of negativity? I have been so lucky to have a wonderful support system, and I really try to focus on that, but sometimes the negativity just wins. And I hate it! I hate that when I have just started to feel good about what I am doing and the progress I have made, I get told “you know, talking about your weight issue is really a personal problem, and you really shouldn’t talk about it in public”. So, I stopped talking about it. And as I sat and slowly got more hurt and more angry about it, I realized that if you have a weight issue, you can’t really keep it to yourself. People see it and make judgements about you as soon as you walk in the room. Now, if I was a homicidal maniac I could keep that contained and live a double life and no one would know. But if you are overweight, it’s with you every moment of every day and you are judge and described as such. You become known as the “bigger girl” or the “chunky one”. People will say, “you just have to work harder to lose the weight” or my favourite is when strangers ask “when are you due?” When you have spent most of your life focusing on the negative, it doesn’t take much to pop the bubble of positivism you’ve been working on, and get sucked right back in to the negative. If only people lived by what our mother’s taught us as children…”if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”
February 27/2017 – WHO HOO I made it to top 15! This is so amazing to me. Now I have at least another 6 weeks to continue on my weight loss, fitness & nutrition journey and have all those wonderful resources and support right at my fingertips. As I have mentioned before, I have been overwhelmed by the support I have received from family, friends, co-workers, everyone. It has been a very humbling experience for me to see how much support I have. As soon as I walked into work today I had people asking me how I did, congratulating me, and assuring me they will pull out all the stops and help me make it through to the next round. I spent the whole day on such a high and I started to realize that I have more friends than I thought. I’ve never been the popular girl, but to receive this kind of support and recognition sure makes me feel like one
Feb 20, 2017 – 9:15 pm
I need to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been voting for me. You guys are AMAZING. I never imagined going into this challenge that I would receive the support that I have been receiving. I knew my close family & friends would support me (they always do, no matter how crazy my ideas area ) but the outpouring of support from my facebook world and the tremendous support I have been receiving at work has been nothing short of incredible to me. I keep telling everyone “ thank you” and I do mean it, but it seems to fall short of how I feel. I’m honestly at a loss for words for how thankful I am to you all. Please, keep voting for the next few days and hopefully those numbers combined with the work I’ve been doing will be enough to get me to the next round.
Feb 17, 2017 – 12:15am – This evening was the second session of our Real Me Seminar, and man did it pack a major punch. We talked a lot about letting people take up room in our thoughts when they don’t deserve to be there. For me these were people who are extremely negative and have hurt me time and time again in the past, (some of them many many years ago) yet I still give them room in my thoughts. Why would I do such a crazy thing? Why can’t I just let them go and move on? Easier said than done, or so I always thought.
We were given two images to consider; one of a healthy, green tree, full of blossoms and fruit, and the other of a poor neglected tree, dried up and dying. There has been extensive research done on taking photographs of brain & thought patterns that form beautiful blooming trees or dying trees, but I lack the resources to quote these correctly, but the jest of it is the image of the healthy tree is our happy thoughts and the dying tree is the one affected by negative thoughts and people.
So I started to think about those people who I let take up valuable space in my thoughts and how it would feel if I just let them go. And you know what? It was just that easy. I just let them go. And I felt lightness within me as though a weight had been lifted.
Now I know we can’t simply toss aside every person in our lives who brings us stress or negativity, but we can clear our heads of some of them, and perhaps give less space to those whom we can’t fully rid ourselves of. So from today on I choose the healthy tree!
February – 17/2017 – Today is a stressful day…it’s the start of voting for the top 15 challengers. I am freaking out about this A LOT!! I have never been what you would call popular, and I don’t have a huge social network, so the idea of getting votes is somewhat daunting. I know it only counts for 30% of our total, but still, that’s 30%!!! So please, if you are reading this and you haven’t voted yet today, please stop reading and follow the links to vote! And get the person next to you to do the same!
Feb 15/2017 – Yesterday a co-worker asked if I had lost weight. I was delighted as this is the first person who has mentioned it to me. Those close to me I see on a regular basis so they won’t see a difference yet, but it was so rewarding to have someone say something. I’ve noticed little changes in my clothes fitting better, or being able to fit into some that I haven’t worn for a while, but to me the ultimate reward is when others can see the difference.
In 10 days our numbers get cut from 30 to 15 and I am starting to freak out that I won’t make it to the next round. That my best has not been good enough and I’ll let down everyone who has pledged or sponsored me in this journey thus far. I worry I’ll lose my motivation and just revert back to my old ways. This journey has been amazing so far and I’m terrified it will come to an end for me before I’m ready for it to end. But I know all I can do is to continue to do what I am doing, hit the gym as often as I can, eat the way I am learning to eat and do the best I can. Deep down I know even if I don’t make it to the next round I have done my best and I am learning to take pride in that.
Is it any wonder that our society if full of people with insecurities, eating disorders, inferior complexes, and low self- esteem when something as mean and hurtful as “fat shaming” exists?
I just have to take a step aside and say a few things about this Lady Gaga nonsense. Now, I am the first to admit that I am no authority on pop culture. I usually refer to celebrities along the lines of ” you know, the guy in that movie, with the girl who was in the other movie” (laugh, but it’s true) But I am not so out of touch to not see the power, both positive & negative that celebrities and the media have over us lower mortals.
When I first heard that people were “fat shaming” Lady Gaga in regards to one of her costumes at the half time show of the Super Bowl, I admit, I just brushed it off as nonsense. But then I kept seeing more and more comments about it, and I was appalled.
Here we have a beautiful, talented powerhouse of a woman, yes ,a little quirky at times but a beautiful, talented, successful, woman none the less, who put on an amazing half time show. And all people can comment on is the fact that they can see “fat” on her belly. How horrific!!! To think she might of actually eaten a solid meal in the past week.. And I use the word “fat” loosely, because honestly, there is nothing there! Heaven forbid people post & tweet about the fact that she put on a stellar performance. Dance and sang full out for 12 minutes, and ended it belting out a ballad, without so much as hitch in her breath.. I’d like to see one of these fat shamers get off their couches and do that. Because believe me, it is not easy! Ask any performer, and they will tell you.
But here’s the part that really gets to me. The world we live in now a days is so full of in your face judgement you are hard pressed to spend 2 minutes on the internet or in a conversation with someone before judgements and criticisms are found. It’s no wonder so many women and men) are obsessed over not only their weight, but if they look too old, too bald, too thin, too fat, too frumpy, too whatever. . If they drive the right car, live in the right neighbourhood, shop at the right stores. And what does that teach our children? To those, who climb up on their soap box and cowardly post about another’s appearance, what are you teaching your children? To look the way you want them to look? Has the world turned so plastic and so shallow that now we all must be Stepford Wives? Do we really want our children reaching for only a superficial and often unrealistic and unhealthy goal of what they should look like? Wouldn’t our time be better spent teaching them to embrace their individuality and to do and be what makes them happy? Perhaps I just talk a big game as I’m almost 40 and still trying to find that freedom to embrace what makes me unique, but I don’t want to pass that torch off to my children.
To those who hide behind their screen names and hashtags, I say take a look at yourselves. If your absolutely perfect in every single way, if no one can find a single flaw in you in any way, then sure go ahead and judge the rest of us. But until you reach that unattainable level of perfection, remember that children are listening and watching. It’s a sad world where a woman has to starve herself or a man has to pump himself up with steroids to be your idea of perfect.
Through the first few weeks of this challenge I have been learning that so much of how we feel about ourselves and what is reflected to those around us comes from within. If we are full of ugliness & bitterness on the inside, it will make you ugly and bitter. Love and accept yourself for who and what you are, and others around you will do the same.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the changes I’ve been making over the past few weeks, and how I will continue to follow through with them when this part of the journey is over. Much like when you quit any bad habit, there has to be a mental shift and acceptance that goes along with it. At least I think so. So no, this challenge is not just a diet or a workout craze I am going through, I realize people may think this as it has been the case in the past, but I can promise you all this time is different.
I had a session with a life coach the other day, and it was eye opening. I was filled with nerves and anxiety all morning leading up to it, as well, it’s new, therefore, my brain translates it as scary. But it was anything but. Honestly, it was as easy as talking to my best friend. Near the end of the session she (the life coach) asked me what it was that I didn’t like about myself, and if I had a vision of what I want to look like at the end of it. The vision was easy, I see her in my mind’s eye all the time. She’s fit and trim, has a waistline, I know that may be shallow, but it’s something I think about often, what would it be like to wear a dress with a defined waist line?! And she walks into a room with her head held high. The harder question was to focus on what I don’t like about myself and what am I hoping to change by the end of this journey. I kind of dismissed this question, pushed it to the back of my mind, and didn’t really give it a great deal of thought. But it kept nagging at me, and I found I couldn’t quite get it out of my mind. And suddenly one day, while I was disapprovingly glaring at myself in the mirror, it dawned on me. I don’t like how negative I am about myself. Now this hit home. I’ve always been very quick to put myself down because if I do it before someone else does, it will hurt less. I’m not really sure if this is true or not, but I guess after years of putting myself down the sting wears off a little. But I want to change this! I want to be one of those women who can look in the mirror and like what and who she sees looking back at her. I look at my children, my beautiful, sweet, funny, unique children and it hurts me beyond measure to think that they may learn that negativity from me. I don’t want them to ever look in the mirror and hate themselves as I do. So I know, not only for me, but for my children & my husband, this has to change. So today when I looked in the mirror, I took to heart some age old advice…If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It’s a start for me. I’ll work on the getting to see the nice about myself. I know this is a journey and this is just the first step.
Jan 31/2017, 10:30pm
For the last few weeks I’ve been trying out some of the class at She’s Fit. So far I’ve taken the Circuit class and the Core & Stretch class and I’ve really enjoyed them. I find it’s easier to get a good workout in as I just leave the thinking up to the instructor. So when I went to the gym today I saw that there was an Interval Class after the other 2. I thought “perfect!” I can get a good 90 minute workout in, the instructors will push me through it and I won’t have to think at all! This sounded great…at the time. So I sweated my way through the circuit and the core class and was feeling good and ready for the Interval Class.
3 weeks ago I would have backed out of this class as soon as I saw the other 2 women in it. (they were very fit & trim looking ladies, and I was instantly insecure) Oh my negative self-talk would have had a fine time with this little scenario I had put myself in and would of sent my scrambling back to the locker room to grab my things and head home. But that was 3 weeks ago. Today I found myself talking and joking with these lovely women, climbing up on an elliptical machine next to them, and starting the class. “Well start the class on level 1 on the machine” Awesome, level 1, I can do this!! 3 minutes in, my RPM’s are up to between 80-100 and I’ve suddenly had an epiphany….the elliptical machine is clearly the creation of a sick and twisted individual who only finds joy in bringing extreme pain and suffering to others. And the instructor who I was misled to believe is a sweet & kind person, is clearly the devil in disguise. The class goes on, the RPM’s go higher, then blissfully lower, then we go backwards, then up to level 20. I didn’t even know there was a level 20, let alone ever thought I would see it! Then the angelic faced instructor drops the bomb “now we do it in squats!” her face alight with glee. I look at the other women in the class; clearly this has been a mistake. Yet to my horror, they squat and off they go, so I follow suit…and I wait for my thighs to burst into flames and fall off.
But of course they didn’t fall off, and I made it through the class, and the really sick thing is I’m already planning on when I go back again.
As happy and shocked that I am that I did the class, I had another realization later this evening. I started to think of how many times I’ve been too scared to try something new, and of how much I’ve missed out on. The little sense of accomplishment I achieve tonight, I been denying myself of for so many years. When I was awarded a place in this challenge I told myself that it was a chance to try new things, and to stop being so afraid of people. And I am so glad I did last night. Yes, I entertained the thought of sleeping on the couch last night as I doubted my legs had the strength to make it up the stairs to bed, but I did it. And I feel great that I did. No more denying myself these little victories. This challenge has been a gift to me and I intend to take full advantage of it and all the freedom it will give me.
Jan 30/2017, 11pm :
I am completely humbled & awed by the outpouring of support and generosity I have received for this challenge. And it’s only been 3 weeks. No matter what I have asked, it’s been answered. Profile sponsors, team mates for the Amazing Race, pledges for the Amazing Race, posts on my Facebook, absolutely everywhere I look I see positivity. And I can’t even begin to go on about the support I have at home and from my friends & family. I’ve always been hesitant to ask for help, as I know how busy our lives can get and I don’t like to ask people to take time away from their families. But WOW, what an outpouring I have received. Thank you all so much!
Jan 17,2017 – 9:30pm:
Thanks for coming to visit my blog, and I hope you come back often to check on my progress in this amazing gift of a journey I have been given.
So, first things first, let me tell you a bit about myself.
I am 38 years old and have been married to my wonderful husband for 11 years come July. We have 2 fantastic kids, I’ll refer to them as Thing 1 (our daughter, aged 7) and Thing 2 (our son, aged 4). My family is my life and there is nothing I would not do for them. I also work a full time job with The City of Surrey, and I’ve just a small cake decorating business. So to say the least, my days are full.
My story is not so different from many other women. I have always battled and alright at times obsessed over my weight, and have always felt like I need to lose more. I cannot remember how many times I have thought, “Oh if only I could lose a few more pounds then I’d be happy” But I am not unhappy. I have a wonderful husband, great kids, and a very loving and supportive group of family & friends. But my weight always had made me feel inadequate.
A friend of mine did this challenge last year and as soon as I heard her talk about it, I knew I had to try to be a part of it. Enough is enough and it’s time to start taking control and meeting these issues and demons head on. My family deserves better. And I’m working at believing that I deserve better.
So I hope you will check back in often to follow my journey, and see what kind of adventures I’ve been up to. This challenge will give me the freedom to break out of my box and try new things, and I’m very excited to see what those new adventures will be!
Jan 18,2017 – 10:47pm:
I think I have a super power! I can be in a room, full of people, and make myself invisible. (I didn’t say it was a good super power) We had our first weekly meeting for the Langley group tonight and once again I was slapped in the face with this realization. There I am, in a room with 29 other women, all on a self-improvement journey, and I can’t find an ounce of courage to talk to any of them. I find myself once again retreating to a far corner of room, desperately trying to get lost in my cell phone. It’s safe there. But it’s also so terribly sad and lonely. So here comes the inner pep talk “ all you have to do is take one step towards that group of friendly looking women, all laughing and talking, and you’ll be fine”…I take a step…and my old dear companion, Negative Self Talk starts up “you can’t do that, no one will like you. You’re not cool enough to talk to them, what are you even doing here? You know you won’t be successful at it”…and on and on and on it goes.
This is a daily occurrence for me, often multiple times in a day, and I am so tired of it! So you know what I did? I took that step towards that group of women. And something amazing happened. They included me. I know it may be a nothing moment to some people, but to me, it was a moment. And I know that when I see those women again, be it at the gym, in the grocery store, at the next meeting, it’ll be ok for me to talk to them. For me, this is something!
Jan 25,2017 – 10:00pm:
I RAN TODAY!! It was awesome! And tomorrow, I’m going to do it again!
Jan 27,2017 – 11:45pm:
Oh hell. Our bios our live! What have I got myself into? I’m still struggling with putting myself out there so much and talking about my personal struggles of weight gain & loss ( even though everyone can see it as soon as I walk in a room) But now, it’s like out there out there….starting to freak out. People I work with will see this. How will the judge me? Oh the fears are running rampant in my brain.Now the old me would of stayed living in the world where judgement runs wild. But the NEW ME I am working on can accept that this is me as I am now, and acknowledge the changes I have made in the last week and see that this is just the starting point. The journey is what’s important.