Well, it has been some time. I am going to be the first to admit (although I am sure this is no shock): I am having scheduling issues. My time management has been the pits! One of the biggest non-nutrition things that I have learned from this challenge is that my schedule is so finite and fine-tuned that throwing in anything else causes severe collapse. And by severe collapse, I mean to the extent that I’m being thrown backward in my mental rehabilitation. With work finally picking up again after the Christmas break (aka, people are buying booze again) my schedule is now booking well into May with events, meetings, and deadlines. Then throw in family obligations, not like there are a ton of them, but enough to make me book them into the calendar. Then come along the time-intensive group challenges. Oh my god.
I know, I know. Preaching to the choir. But then again, everyone is on their own journey.
I think that for myself, I recognize well when time is an issue and concessions are aptly made. I have buffer room slotted into my schedule for work-related obligations that earn me money because quite frankly, volunteering does not pay the bills. And when time allows I do volunteer, and I do it often. But based on availability and on my schedule.
Can you see that I’m struggling here?!
I think the worst part for me is that, as I mentioned briefly above, I’m slipping a little backward in the burnout recovery program and people are noticing. So what do you do? Do you suffer through, keep poppin’ pills and just hope you get out of bed in the morning? Or do you tell some part of your life that you’re going to have to put it on the backburner? At this point in time, I’m banking on Column A. Letting down your team is not an option; I signed up for the challenge and have to see it through because momma did not raise a quitter; Commission-based work only pays for what you put into it so if I want to pay for the type of food that my body requires to continue losing weight, I’m going to have to get out there and hustle.
Oh, it is a catch 22, that is for darn tootin sure!
I have a real issue with going too big. If I take on a task I try to make it the best and finish fast, instead of knitting a scarf I knit hats, mittens, scarfs, socks and blankets, instead of buying an adequate bike I purchase a high-end road bike to conquer the roads. In essence, I go big or go home. Well, I think I did it again except with the gym. I have been out of the gym for three days because I have somehow hurt a leg muscle to the point where it is uncomfortable to sleep. Sitting, driving (standard, omg), standing all hurt.
I think my take-home for this week is to just simmer down a skootch. It’s OK to be adequate. It kills me to say that, but this is all about growth, isn’t it?!
It is so wonderful getting back into gym culture! It’s so crazy how you don’t really realize how much you miss something until it is reintroduced back into your life. When I was much younger and in some respects a little wiser, I was laid-off of two consecutive jobs. In the time before settling into a fairly long-term career while job hunting I decided to hit the gym. I was umpiring softball regularly at the time so between the gym and ball I was in fairly ridiculous shape. In those months that summer I found a real community at the gym that I had completely forgot about, until about a week ago. When I step in the gym now I am greeted enthusiastically at the counter by whoever happens to be working that day. Today, in fact, I was working my way around the circuit when one of the employees Bree caught my eye from the front counter and waved so hard I almost wanted to run over and hug her. This is part of what I have been missing in my life! I feel like I have jumped over the first hurdle and am at that point where I can’t wait to get back to the gym. I love that.
I just have to say, this picture is brutal. Lol, is this what I really look like when I’m not posing for a selfie or making it so I don’t have 18 chins? Dear lord I hope I make it far enough for another profile picture to be posted alongside this one. Or to replace this one. I clearly needed a change!
I love a challenge. I think that I work better under pressure – I get more done, I raise my own expectations, I see a sense of urgency which isn’t necessarily there should the sense of pressure not be overwhelmingly evident. To this extent, I am actually motivated to go as far as I can in the Total Makeover Challenge.
I am trying to regain balance in my life. For a number of years I worked hard, very hard, in my career and at school. Never one to be outdone I found immense joy in taking on plenty of work because people said that I couldn’t do it or that it was unreasonable for someone to be expected to do so much. In doing so my priorities shifted and my identity became ingrained in my work, and my work ingrained in my identity. I finished my degree in three years instead of four while managing two businesses. And not just two business but two hectic, time consuming, character building, energy draining, crazy businesses in Langley and Chilliwack. Family and friends understood the circumstances and although family and friends come first, work took a priority. Special events were rarely, if ever, missed, it was at the sacrifice of sleep and personal time. Not to mention that I was always on call… always. Nevertheless, I loved it. I knew my job and I did it really well. After leaving the company and working at another business that left me feeling underappreciated and mentally drained (or for you M*A*S*H fans out there “emotionally drained and morally bankrupt”), an eventual layoff tipped me over the edge… now what?
It was soul crushing to not be needed or wanted. I had suffered through layoffs before but not to this extent and certainly not after tying so much of my worth into the roles that I played through my career. Whereas before I would have taken a bit of time to regroup then get back out there this time around saw me not leave my house for days or weeks at a time. At times I would not get out of bed, because why? What is the point? It was a safe place. I could binge watch Netflix and not eat for two days, and then when I was out of food in the house I could get up and go for a nice long drive. When I was super busy road-tripping and no-destination driving was my escape so my car became another safe space for me. My car became a good answer for when people asked me what I have been up to, “Oh you know, had to go check out such and such, went out to the Valley to look at random something”, etcetera, etcetera.
I did find some normalcy in that period. My dad and I would hang out together. He is retired and he loves to walk and adventure. We are quite the same that way, not the retired bit (do I wish though!) but adventuring. I knew I was becoming ever the more blobish and needed to get moving so he and I would hit up some good walks in local parks. While I was on EI and looking into new career aspects, I attended Work BC seminars and classes. They were great to get me into the job hunting mindset and provided great support but when the classes were over and I did not have somewhere to be I recessed back to bed. In addition, every Sunday is dinner at my parent’s house, a long-standing family tradition with my mother and her mother. As the saying goes: If mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. This provided some normalcy but in being a stubbornly strong individual, I do not share how I am really feeling openly or readily (clearly outside of challenge blogs… hahaha).
I started to get serious with myself and re-evaluate my situation. I was hired on at my current company who have been extremely supportive (read patient) with my transition from leadership to sales, and who value me and what I have to bring to the table. They also understand the value and magnitude of balance and express the importance self-care. How can you help others if you cannot help yourself? How can I be a benefit to the team if I am not well enough in my own head to put my best foot forward and get the job done? It was so great to be part of a caring team again – it was so great to be wanted and needed again. I was able to look back upon better times and see what made me a great person, a better person than I am now. It was balance. I had a firm grasp of personal-work-life balance, although it did not feel so at the time. I really did not know how good I had it.
I am now putting healthy amounts of pressure on myself to turn life around. It is time to learn everything I can about my job and put it into practice. It is time to learn everything I can about eating healthy so that my body does not break down. It is time to become more active so that I can show my younger self that I still have it and give my older self a chance at staying active longer. It is time to give myself a break because burnout sucks and I do not want to suffer that ever again. Therefore, I am up for the challenge because it is time to get back to being me J